Chapter 37: Masculinity

Dear reader

Aha! So there you are! I have been looking everywhere for you. Yes YOU, the blog reader of my dreams :).

Masculinity. There are many definitions floating out there, but which one should we follow? Is being masculine owning a fancy car? Wearing a Rolex watch? Being able to fix things around the house? Going to the gym? Being Batman? Or buying roses for the partner at home? Men look outside themselves for answers; to television, film, the billboard advertisements but most importantly, their own friends and partners, for what defines a real man. While any of the above are not necessarily wrong, to say that they define masculinity would be delusional. It is not what a man owns or what he does that defines him, but who he is.

Women are the "threshold guardians" for masculinity. If you want to know whether you are on the right path as a man, ask a woman. Unlike men, they have a thousand ways of probing us for authenticity, and a thousand of years of experience to prove it. This goes back to our primitive times where being "masculine" attributed to being able to protect the tribe from bears, lions, from other tribes who sought to take their women, food and children. The women would select a man as "alpha" if he demonstrated that he could do this. Attraction was survival and replication, and still is today. The masculine man was the man who could ensure their survival as a species, and could therefore carry those strong genes necessary to raise strong sons and daughters.

Nowadays as you have probably guessed, dear reader, we are not being chased by lions or boars. Thank goodness. We are instead confronted with predators in the forms of banks, mortgages, employers, teachers and deadlines. Therefore women nowadays gravitate to men who yes, can provide security, yes, who may be good looking, and strong (good genes): but most importantly, and above everything else, a man of substance. A man of worth. Someone who can give value. In a social world, value is everything.


This is a man who, instead of taking these things from you, gives value. You will notice then that it is now the "magician", ie: the man with skills and talents that are emerging as the masculine form. The musicians, the athletes, the actors and even the writers of the world ;). Masculinity has shifted profoundly in the way that we perceive it. We are seeing men who are not necessarily good looking, men with not even very much money being seen as attractive by women. Looks do not matter, nor does self image. It is the all about the reality that he chooses to live in. The reality that he creates for himself.

This is the kind of man who gives value and expects nothing back in return. "Nice guys" are not what I am talking about. Nice guys in fact, are not nice at all. A man who buys his woman flowers with the hope of her giving something back in return is not a masculine man. A man who pays a woman compliments because he hopes she will like him back, is not a masculine man. A man who spends money on a nice car and a new suit to gain her attention, is not a masculine man. Rather, he is a man that does acknowledge his own self worth. He cannot generate his own positive emotions. He relies on external objects to justify his worthiness. 

I credit this mostly to the world we live in today. This is a world ruled largely by men. The male complex of leadership since the dawn of time has been about acquisition and ownership. In other words, the boy with the most toys wins, and I have more toys than you, mentality. The problem with this mode of thinking is that men put everything into a hierarchy. They want to control everything. This is the ego complex of a man. This is where we get pride from, embarrassment, fear. Men who essentially can't express themselves because they feel they are going to lose something. Our ancestors used to kill giant predators to stay alive. Nowadays most men can't even approach women!

This is where women come in. The female mentality is that competition and ownership are pointless. What matters is being connected, being supportive, understanding that another's goals are your own. Instead of carving up the world and trying to own and control everything, the women complex would be about bringing everything together and owning it as one. It is about letting go of yourself. The people who do best socially, are those who don't care what anyone else thinks. To them their ugliness and greatness are the same things. What we need to redefine masculinity is to honour the feminine energy. Men can learn a lot from women, just as women can learn a lot from men. It is this balance of energy in everyone that needs to be established. We have masculine and feminine in all of us and we can apply both in our everyday life.

So what is my vision of masculinity? It is knowing yourself as a man. Understanding that you are not defined by anything else but who you are. Whatever you do should come from your essence, and not the other way round. Knowing your skills and talents, knowing your purpose. Having a routine: wanting to become the greatest version of yourself. This is not because you want a woman, or some appreciation (this is women's thinking) but because you know you have only life. Are you going to live it taking everything for granted, or are you going to give back? The greatest men in history were not men who took anything from you, instead they gave everything to their cause, sometimes, even their own life.

Until next time :)